Business Class

Plane nose on airstrip with copyright

We’ve currently got an American couple staying with us; let’s call them Brad and Tammy. The wife is mostly synthetic; silicone and Botox. She must share 90% of her DNA with her Louis Vuitton luggage. Presumably during check-in at John F. Kennedy International, after removing her shoes and belt, she gently lay down next to her bags on the conveyor belt, winding her way to the hold, spending the long-haul flights beside the suitcases and golf clubs.

Her husband is one of those sorts that treats being on safari not so much as a holiday but as a personal challenge to be overcome. “Ha! You think I can’t make a phone call to my lawyer whilst next to a leopard. I shall show you – I shall not let these savannahs of gold stop my daily routine,” before donning a Fitbit and trainers and racing off into the bush triggering a frantic search party.

Then, a last-minute booking: a new couple. New as in they’ve just arrived and new as in I believe they’ve only just met. Todd of Toronto is accompanied by a prostitute; Glitterisha from Nairobi.

It appeared that Glitterisha hadn’t been booked a seat on the aircraft for the 45 minute flight from Nairobi, and was therefore forced to sit on the wings for the journey whereupon most of her clothes have been blown off.

D’s safety briefing was shorter than normal as, realistically, Glitterisha was going to freeze to death long before she was going to get eaten by lions. “It can get suddenly cooler during the afternoon game drive, so it’s a good idea to wear, well, something.

We took them to their tent which took longer than usual with Glitterisha’s stilettos sinking into the soft black cotton soil, occasionally stumbling into the foliage. If she’d been wearing any clothing it would have snagged on the acacia thorns.

Todd, for his part, is remarkably unflummoxed for a chap who is accompanied by a flashing sign announcing, ‘I PAY FOR SEX! BUT NOT FOR PLANE SEATS!’

Luckily, Glitterisha put on some extra sequins for lunch and, ever professional, the waiters set two extra places for her breasts.

When introduced, the two couples had more in common than I dared hope. Brad and Glitterisha both think acacia trees must be phone masts in disguise and make a phone call every time they see one. Glitterisha and Tammy are both concerned about the safari bucket showers in the evening; one because she doesn’t want to get her weave wet and the other because she should only be Wiped Gently with a Clean, Damp Cloth.

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